The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon
encountering a snake in the Area of Operations or A Diversified
Approach to Military Operations:
Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake.
Can’t find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicures.
Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with
three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred
civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a
success and all participants (i.e. cooks, mechanics and clerks) are
awarded Silver Stars.
Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State
Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by
building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it
to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel voucher upon return.
Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in
obscure 5-series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using
countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don’t
understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support
in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to
safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALs kill Muslim
extremist snakes.
Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills
snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on
how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake
force projection.
Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local
civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works
feverishly to save snake’s life.
Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)
Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two
weeks after due date.
F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses
target due to weather.
AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don’t show well on
infra-red.
UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake starts
bonfire to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into the fire.
B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every
other living thing within two miles of target.
Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but
can’t receive authorization from National Command Authority to use
nuclear weapons.
Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of
snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for
snake activity as LOW.
Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds
of professional courtesy.
CH-47 Pilot: Slingleg breaks in flight while slingloading anti-snake
equiptment, pilot cuts slingload. Slingload lands on snake and kills
it. Crew chief uses dead snake to replace broken slingleg.
Navy Pilot: Draped snake around neck at Tail Hook to pick up chicks.
Military Police: Gave snake a sobriety test for not moving in a
straight line.
Signal: Broadcasts 200,000+ watt transmissions in support of anti-
snake missions, accidentally electrecuted snake in the process.
Corps of Engineers: Surveyed and researched area for plans on
improving flood plain, can’t do it because snake is on the endangered
species list.
Cooks: Snake sneaks in chow hall. Snake dies of food poisoning.
I hope to make you smile. Love you all! God Bless Ya!
I got the joke from my very good friend who is a Major is the Marines. I love it that she can laugh at herself!
